bruorton: (Baby Binturong)
I rarely post on social media, and even less often do I talk about my health, but I’ve been faring worse lately and I realize some of my friends might want to know about it.

The tl;dr version for those unaware, or short on time, is that I’m in end-stage kidney failure, I’m really feeling it now, and if I don’t get a donor kidney relatively soon things are going to get ugly.

Read more... )

Oh Moon

Sep. 3rd, 2018 06:53 pm
bruorton: (Default)
How do you do it?
Time after time
rising in darkness
whether you have
light to shed
or only sympathy
for the night.
 
How do you keep
coming back
from the Shadow,
reinventing yourself,
unveiling another month
unlike every single one
to come before?
 
The full moon is the one
everyone notices, names,
sings love songs to.
But the world is
always being remade
without witnesses:
the infant unfurling
 
in the womb,
the seed cracking open
in the silent earth.
The true miracles happen
in the utmost dark,
every time. New moon.
New moon. New moon.
bruorton: (Default)
Late, late, mid-October and only now
the cold begins to come. White lines
trace the grain of boards on the porch
and the grass is hoary, a beard turned
abruptly grey.
 
Overhead the sky is cloudless, blue,
blue, and five crows wheel overhead,
harbingers of the dawn, inscribing
their aerial prophecy in looping words
I cannot read.
 
The rising sun, obscured behind a
steel seamed roof, gleams on the leading
edge of their wings, bright, bright, as if
new-sprung from the forge of heaven
and not yet quenched.


(published in Albatross #28, Fall 2018)

The Brink

Oct. 16th, 2017 02:31 pm
bruorton: (Default)
Calopogon orchid

She had a fanciful way of recounting it, in later years, that he privately found cloying and cliched, even as he always put on a self-effacing smile whenever she retold the story. "I felt," she would say, "in the instant his arm went around me to pull me out, that I would be safe, that it would be all right. And I wasn't fool enough to let go, even once I was back on dry land!" Of course, he himself had invented an even more fantastic version of it, albeit one reserved solely for their children while still very young: "I once threw a gold coin into a wishing well," he would tell them, "and out sprang a beautiful nymph, straight into my arms!"
 
The truth was, of course, less romantic than either version. He had been in the process of trying to get the perfect picture of a rare type of Calopogon orchid that only grew in this sort of a bog. (She eventually would learn to live with his obsessions, how oblivious and short-tempered he could get when immersed.) She'd been curious, and meaning only to approach from behind to get a look at the flower over his shoulder, had tripped, flailed, and plunged nearly headlong into the the dark water to one side.

Read more... )

Overflowing

Sep. 1st, 2017 09:02 am
bruorton: (Default)
Can I tell you what going through my dead brother's papers is like?
Here is what going through my dead brother's papers is like:
A spiral-bound notebook, with pages upon pages of handwritten
lists from this PlayStation game, then that one,
magical equipment, power-ups, creatures, treasures, statistics.

And then, unexpectedly, the transcribed lyrics of two verses
from The Phantom of the Opera, one of his favorites.
Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear.
I am the mask you wear; it's me they hear.


Or again, a pile of notes for a fantasy role-playing adventure,
again handwritten, on half-page scrap paper. Wandering
monsters: twelve bugbears, armor class 7, 4 hit dice each.
Here is where the lizard men abducted the mayor's daughter,

and where the dragon's tracks lead, after it preyed upon
the abductors. Here is what the hoard is worth, enumerated
in detail, the ivory and silver cornucopia pin (2,500 gold pieces)
and the obsidian panther (5,000) which comes to life if given
the correct word of power. And suddenly, amidst them, a

forgotten list, entitled "What I Want for Myself." At the top
of the list, a girlfriend. Next on the list: world peace. It goes on
from there. "More time with family." "Self-respect."
"A decent, enjoyable job" has the word "enjoyable"

struck out, as an afterthought. Every glimpse
beyond the mask, a blow to the heart.
But he needs this refuge no longer, so it goes
slowly, page by page, into the bin, to overflowing.

Eclipse

Aug. 22nd, 2017 11:26 am
bruorton: (Default)
I didn't come out here to stare into the sun,
to try to find the right filter to make sense
of heavenly miracles. I wander through the crowd,
more comfortable (if I am honest) in smaller
settings, simply hoping to find a friend or two
with whom to share a moment standing
companionably outside on such a lovely day.
To lead them, perhaps, to one corner of the green,
neglected in the shade, and admire together
the flickering spaces between the leaves
that have turned all the ground around us
to a carpet of swaying crescents. We
look down at this mosaic spread across
the sidewalk and the lawn, while behind us
the multitude gazes up.

I do not know how to love this world
nearly how I should, but I know at least
that what I love is here, to learn. After the
Ascension, as the disciples stood in shock,
faces upturned, suddenly abandoned, we
are told two figures in white robes came
among them. "Why do you stand about here,
staring into heaven?" they asked. They might
as well have said directly, don't you know how
much there is to do? There are fields to work
in: hay fields, occupational fields. There are so
many kind words needed, so many hands
unheld. And there is so much to learn to love:
strange orbits of the moon, dancing shadows
on the earth, each other, ourselves.
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
         “I’m just concerned, Diana. The only people I’ve seen before who were as eager as you to go to war… well, it didn’t go well for them, is all. It turns out to be a lot more, and worse, than they expect.”
         The Amazon is unmoved. “I know what war is, Steventrevor. I have studied it for all of my life.”  She continues watching the turquoise water, not even turning to look at him.
         Steve sighs. “Look, we’ve been over this. You don’t have to call me by my whole name all the time. You can just say ‘Steve’.”
Read more... )

Cor-bah

Jun. 10th, 2017 08:41 am
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)

 
         The fluffy black cat sat in the clearing at the top of the hill, and looked up at the stars. The night sky was clear, and brilliant. The cat himself was invisible in the dark grass, except for a glimmer of light reflecting from his eyes.
          His people had stopped calling by now, and tapping dishes, and whatever else they could think of to entice him back. He’d watched them for a time, safely hidden in the bushes, as they searched and called. But he’d already had dinner; what he hadn’t ever had was a chance to spend a night outside. He’d resisted the pull of his stomach and turned away, crossing the road and going up the hill into the woods.
          One of the stars was getting larger. He watched it intently, wondering if it would turn out to be a bug. He quite liked bugs.
Read more... )
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
Do you remember the the other night
walking home in the dark
because we'd thought the moon would be up
so we didn't bring a flashlight

the squnch squnch of fresh snow under our boots
but still warmed by the glow of neighbors
chatting around the table of wine and munchies
discussing the weather, kids, housing travails,

and despite the inevitable dark turn to politics
the lyrics still in our ears
If there's hope in this house I'm gonna find it
If there's hope in this house get me rope
I'm gonna ride it

while in the clear night the train is sounding
all the way down the valley from the next town over.
In the moonless black you say Taurus looks more like a fox
and I point out Castor and Pollux, the twins over Orion,

and our path home is apparently due north
because there is Polaris, beckoning us on.
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
1.
I pause to take up the chickens' feed
and dump their water as we are heading out
to the election night party.
It is a momentous night, and we are full
of a year's worth of waiting. Near the coop door
two currently molting hens, lacking nearly
half their feathers, have roosted close together.
For them this night is simply
a blessedly mild one,
after the recent cold snap.

2.
We return home
in shock.
Whatever we expected
it wasn't this.
Thank God our state rep,
who strapped on a dust mask
to help clean out constituents'
flooded trailers after the hurricane
managed to win re-election
by 3 votes.
We can't begin to grasp the future
we are careening into
or even comprehend how
it happened.

Our kitten hears us enter,
after midnight, and sends up
a piteous mewing from his crate.
He comes out purring, tiny wedge tail up,
so grateful to be back with
the people he loves.

3.
Two days later my elderly cat wants
to take a longer walk than usual,
and though the dusk is deepening
fast this time of year
I indulge her. I've already put
the winter siding on the coop,
and put away my tools.
So we stroll together down a wooded bank,
then up the darkened lane beneath
dimly looming trees.
 
Somewhere, Hispanic children are being
taunted by their classmates. Someone
is scrawling "TRUMP" across a college's
Islamic prayer room door. A black woman
is told she will be raped and sent back
to Africa. Someone signing to a deaf
friend on FaceTime is told they are
retarded, not wanted in this country
anymore.
 
The leaves rustle and crunch under
my sneakers, her pads. We stop
for a moment at the intersection,
just listening to the darkness.
Then we double back up the
driveway, heading for
the distant lights of home.
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
There is something in the way
her head descends out of the darkness
to rest on my shoulder
after an evening full of the wrong words
and misunderstood silences
that feels like a restoration of the world,
like the rain falling steadily outside
that is bringing the dark and secret places
of the forest back to life.

Love/sick

Sep. 23rd, 2016 10:20 pm
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
How is it that I recognize this stirring
inside, when it's been gone from my life
for so many years? A flutter, like the
briefest of zephyrs stirring a curtain
in my soul. Did I only imagine it?
Is it real? Do I want it to be?
How could it be, after all this time?
The rational voice tells me I should
play it safe, of course. Not to get too
excited about what might just be
my imagination. So I stand up,
but in only a few steps I know,
know for certain the
way the heart knows
true love the way
the ear knows up
from down I know
and I rush madly
madly to the john
to bring up every
thing I've ever
held inside.
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)


Cassie was just fine with the rain. There had been some thunder earlier as well, and that had been even better. Boom! Yes, that was the stuff. She wished she could make it thunder like that whenever she wanted. She'd see what Penny said then, oh yes.

She flicked her wings, where some of the rain had dripped onto her from overhead. Her house was good -- perfect, really, aesthetically speaking -- but it was admittedly not the most weather proof. It had lovely corded pillars of the yellow birch growing overhead, which formed archways out of its curving golden roots all around. Once there had been a "nurse" stump, where the birch had sprouted, and as the stump had rotted away it had left this open hollow where the birch's roots had come down on every side. As a house, it was magnificent; as a roof, it was serviceable, but every now and then the breeze would splatter rivulets across her.

Grumpy fairy, and how she got that way... )
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
"Grief is love's souvenir.
It is our proof that we once loved."
--Glennon Doyle Melton


You remember that time she got out?
she asks. Of course I do. Years ago,
early January, my brother was taking
care of our cats while we were away
for a few days, and we came home
well after dark to learn that somehow
the younger one had gotten out.

The ground was already covered
in a hard crust of snow and we were
instantly petrified. She never went
outside. She wouldn't know how to
survive, she might get confused and
not know where to come to be saved.

We rushed out into the darkness,
calling, hoping, desperate. We
could not bear the thought of
losing this sweet, affectionate
kitten who had found her way into
our hearts and never grew up.
We could not bear to think of her
afraid, or in pain.

But then, there came an answer.
An anxious mewing, up the hill.
And off my wife charged, straight
through the raspberry thicket to
where the frightened little cat
crouched, shivering, crying out
for rescue.

Tonight it is we who shudder; we
who wonder where home is now.
I would run through any amount
of brambles to have her back,

she says, remembering.
I didn't even feel them.

But we were always running
through the brambles.
We just never felt them
until now. The love we
gave and got has left us
scarred, a crosshatching
on our lives, every laceration
a treasure.
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
She leans in, conspiratorial. “It’s the Alzheimer’s,
you know,” she says. “It’s total crud.”
Then she brushes my cheek with her hand.
“I don’t remember your name, but I like your smile.”

Her own smile dazzles, her face crinkling into familiar,
well-used lines. “I’m Tim,” I say. “It’s good to see you.”
Suddenly she reaches up and sticks her index finger
into her mouth, pulling against the inside of her cheek

until it pops out, with the sound of a cork coming free.
I grin, and like a good primate, mimic it back to her.
She laughs. “You’re good!” she declares. I give her
a bulletin. She goes off after someone she needs to hug.

She’s a poet -- was a poet. Still a poet. Her poems
these days are about simple things: the sun on leaves,
the sky after the rain. They do not depend on metaphors
or subtlety; they are direct. They say how beautiful it all is.

After the service, on the porch outside, she considers
my feet. (I’m wearing sandals.) “Good job,” she comments.
“They’re clean.” “My toes?” She nods: yes. Then I see
her hand going up, and I anticipate her. Two corks

sound out of their bottles, simultaneous.
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
We were having tea when something I mistook for a grayish-green pit bull blundered into the kitchen. Then I nearly overturned the cream in my double-take.

"Goodness, Gwennie, when on earth did you get a pet with two heads?"

She chuckled and broke off a bit of her pecan scone, holding it permissively below the level of her rocker's seat. The heads extended suddenly, and now I could see the necks were long, like a turtle's when stretching fully out of its shell.

"It's a baby hydra, dear," my aunt explained.

Both heads sensed the proffered treat, and it trundled over like a small bear. But one head was quicker, obliging Gwen to to break off a second bit of scone for the other. She stroked it as both heads explored the floor for crumbs.

"It often seems a little confused," she admitted, "but it's actually still relatively focused, and the training's been going just fine. It's important to do a good job of that early, you know, before it grows more heads -- you can see a third budding already, between the first two. Just there... see?"

Like Magic

Mar. 5th, 2016 11:31 pm
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
How lightly is the mortal set aside, laughing.
How little is made of it to the anxious inquiry:
"It was a tree branch in the dark," I say,
"but I protected my eye with my face."
Hence this little T-shaped rent, see, just under
my right eye, already sealed and healing.

I do not speak of how I was running full out
in the dark, because I thought I knew my way.
I do not describe the cedar twig, a good finger's
width, snapped off and worn by time as smooth
as a lance, as the shaft of an arrow.
I do not mention the moment of impact,

the bright white flash I saw in the lightless dusk.
The fall to my knees as my hand fluttered up,
a protective impulse come far too late; how
when it came back down it had inexplicably
acquired a contact lens, and a thick drizzle
of blood.  I do not try to evoke for them that

instant, when I thought the worst had happened.
I do not recount that it will not be until an hour
later, already with friends and making light of my
misfortune, that my imagination will conjure up
even worse than that worst.  Of how easily
that spike might have been hanging there for years

waiting for me to come along and impale myself
on it, to run at it and drive it deep into my brain.

Instead, every time I'm asked, I tell the same little
joke. And every time tragedy unravels, as the
concerned countenance of each friend transforms
suddenly into laughter, like magic.
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
I do not know what everyone else may mean
when they speak of the afterlife, the world
to come. I have heard the stories, of course:
of paradise, of resurrection, of going into light.
I wonder how specific, how confident people
really are, noting how often they retreat into

the vagueness of the departed "looking down"
or "being in a better place." Maybe they just
don't want to trespass on anyone else's story,
each of our versions too fragile and precious
to jostle. Maybe to assert it would be to test
it, and they fear it would crumple in their hands.

I hasten to say, I do not begrudge anyone the
comfort that such a story brings. Too many live
lives of such unremitting suffering, and that there
should come an eternal repose of unburdened joy,
of freedom from pain, and want, and fear -- how
could I deny this to them, any more than a warm

blanket to the cold and shivering? I am glad they
have such a story. That is all we have, in the end.
Of course, I have been undeservedly lucky. I have
my share of stories to tie my loose ends together,
but I do not need that one. I know whatever story
we might tell about this, we tell for our own reasons;

we will not know until, each one, we find out for
ourselves. So I think of death as another country,
and as when traveling I try to hold no expectations,
preferring instead to take that adventure as it comes.
When it comes. And if there is in fact nothing more,
and only this moment has been all we ever had,

I am not troubled, holding close a deep assurance
of the Resurrection: that this is my body, to be given
for many; and I, content if it goes merely to a million
million generations of Silphidae beetles and timothy
grass and grasshoppers and moonflowers. For a
little time it was given to me to appreciate as poorly

as I have managed, and I will rejoice in the end to
give it back so that these small and precious beings
might have as well the gift of life, everlasting.

Rest Stop

Oct. 22nd, 2015 03:35 pm
bruorton: (Andromeda Galaxy)
The rest stop is on a kind of mesa, perched between
the twin canyons of the three-lane interstate. To get there
we enter an enclosed bridge/corridor from the parking lot
on our side, east-bound. The windows look down over

the traffic passing under us, and we play a game it turns out
both of us made up when younger -- can you cross
the bridge without getting "hit"? Perhaps everyone plays
this game. "Oh no, an 18-wheeler, walk faster--"

It's a close call. "We made it!" "Just barely!"
We've played it enough to know that sometimes
there are just too many, no matter what you do.
But once set in the imagination, you can't not play,

it seems. Sometimes you make it, sometimes you don't;
sometimes it's easy, sometimes exhilaratingly close. You
never know. For my brother, for Davey, who always loved
a game as much as the next person, maybe more -- no,
definitely more -- the traffic was heavy, heavy, heavy.

Juneteenth

Jun. 19th, 2015 10:02 pm
bruorton: (Politics)

So I was reading this concise and educational article on Juneteenth today, a day that celebrates the final emancipation of the last US slaves -- exactly 150 years ago today, as it happens. But of course this anniversary, a momentous one in any event, is weighed down by an act of racist terrorism committed on its eve, and committed in a church that is a landmark in the struggle for racial equality in our country.  And towards the end of the article, I was caught off-guard by the mention thrown in of the attacker's "alleged interest in starting another civil war." But I shouldn't have been; I really shouldn't.

Because it is clear that in so many ways, the war has never ended.

And in that light, the analogy of Juneteenth as a version of Independence Day struck me further -- because it means celebrating a victory both achieved, and still aspired to.  It reminds me of the way Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of God, actually: that it had arrived, and that it was still coming.  Meaning it was something we could understand, hope for, celebrate, and above all -- spend our lives trying to make a reality in the midst of a broken and bleeding world.

So it seems to me that Juneteenth should be a holiday we all observe, with an attitude of joy, reverence, anger, and stubborn hope that is probably impossible for us to associate with the 4th of July -- because this is a victory not yet won. Even if we personally are not on the front lines, we observe it in a war zone, fought in the land of the free.

"We are all created equal" are still fighting words.

We may fall, but we will rise.

Hopeful Juneteenth, everyone.

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